Title: Beating doh
Characters/Pairing: Team, Jack/Ianto
Word Count: approx 1,000
Summary: The team have their own way of dealing with Jack's immortality.
Genre: Humour, crack!fic
Notes: I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!
Warnings/Spoilers: Set post S1 but no spoilers
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Torchwood characters, I'm only borrowing them, and I promise to return them in minty fresh condition when I'm finished.
The team gathered around their fallen leader. Owen crouched down and felt in vain for a pulse. Shaking his head, he stood and said, "Time of death, 8.42pm. Once again our brave and valiant leader has gone and laid down his life for us...well, laid it down for about ten minutes anyway."
There was silence for a few seconds before Gwen spoke, "Ianto, don't you want to say something?"
Ianto cleared his throat, "Okay...did anybody pick electrocution this round?" He took out a small notebook with the words 'Death Bingo' on the cover in small neat letters.
"Me!" said Tosh, waving her hand excitedly.
Owen looked at her suspiciously. "That's the third time in a row that you've won the pot."
"Is it?" asked Tosh with wide-eyed innocence.
"Yes," said Gwen. "That's a bit of a coincidence, yeah?"
"Are you accusing me of cheating?" asked Tosh, "That's rich coming from little Miss 'ooh can I have more firearms training please Jack' the last time you picked Gun Shot Wound."
"I needed that training," said Gwen, "My aim needs improving."
"I'm sure Jack thought so when he was healing up from the bullet you 'accidentally' hit him with. Too bad you were such a bad shot that it was non fatal."
"Girls, girls," interrupted Owen, "Much as I'd love to see a good cat fight, ripping each other clothes and everything, this isn't really the time or place...course if youze want to reconvene later on, I'll supply the mud!"
The two women glared at Owen before Ianto spoke up, "Loathe though I am to admit it, Owen happens to be right. There are important matters to be dealt with at this moment in time...we have to do to the draw for next time before Jack wakes up."
There were some muttered comments, but both Gwen and Tosh shut up as Ianto pulled a small bag out of his pocket. "Okay, you know the rules. One draw each, no peeking."
One by one they all picked a folded slip of paper from the bag.
"Weevil attack," said Owen, a smug grin on his face. "Brilliant. We haven't had a sighting in weeks, we must be due one soon."
Gwen made a face as she opened her paper. "Car accident...but he's too good a driver, he'll never crash the car..." Her face brightened, "Would it count as an accident if I ran...er, I mean if he got run over?"
Ianto shook his head, "That's a completely different sub category. Furthermore after unfortunate incident with the petri dish and the sugar bowl after Owen picked poisoning, I believe that we agreed that it didn't count if one of us was responsible."
"That was an accident," said Owen. "Besides, it didn't even work cause you dropped the antidote in his cup before he took a sip."
"Well I don't think I'll be making it four in a row," said Tosh with a sigh. She held out her paper so everybody could see the words 'death by vampire'.
"Who the hell put *that* on the list?" asked Owen.
"Well at least it's original," snapped Gwen. "And at least I'm not the one who put in twenty ideas that all related to death by sex."
"Yeah, well at least those were feasible." Owen glared at Ianto, "Or at least they *would* be if somebody would play fair."
Ianto rolled his eyes. "Owen, I refuse to shag Jack to death just so you can win a bet. Any sex related death will be purely accidental. Tosh, there's no such thing as actual vampires...at least not that we're aware of. However if Jack dies a vampire type of death we'll allow it."
"So that would include a stake through the heart, decapitation..."
"Being buried at a crossroads and choking on garlic," said Ianto.
"So what did you get then, Ianto?" asked Gwen.
"And if it's auto erotic asphyxiation then you can put that back and all," said Owen. "Cause that'd give you an unfair advantage."
Ianto rolled his eyes, "Owen, as I'm sure you're well aware, the whole point of it being 'auto' means that it is done to oneself. If I were to do it to Jack, it would simply be 'erotic asphyxiation', that's a completely different type of death and wouldn't count at all."
"So what do you have then?" asked Tosh, even as she was trying to figure out the most feasible way of introducing Jack's heart to a wooden stake. She was sure there was a modelling program on her computer that could be tinkered with to calculate the angles and forces required.
"Defenestration," said Ianto, solemnly.
"That's what, falling off a building?" asked Gwen.
"Close," said Ianto, "It's falling or being pushed out of a window. It originates from the Latin for window, 'fenestr'..."
"No time for a lecture now, teaboy," said Owen glancing at his watch, "Jack will be coming back any minute, we'd better look busy."
The quartet quickly scattered. Owen thinking about whether it'd be easiest to just rig the latches on the Weevil cages the next time it was Jack's turn to feed them. Gwen was wondering about the best way to sabotage a car. Tosh was already pulling out her PDA to run a few simulations involving stakes...as a backup she was planning on stopping by the market on her way home to pick up a few cloves of garlic.
Ianto sat down beside Jack's body, mentally running down a list of all the windows in his flat and their suitability for an accident.
Jack suddenly took a deep breath and sat up. It was just another typical day in Torchwood.
Author's note: I thought that calling the fic Death Bingo would give away too much of the 'plot', so I used an anagram. Rejected titles included Death Bingo, Bighead Not, Bondage Hit, A Bight done